Permission to Change
Imagine being married to the perfect guy: handsome, rich, creative, fun, and reliable. And imagine that you're literally dying in that marriage. No matter how much therapy and how many couples retreats you do, this deep hunger inside you to be seen and met keeps growing.
Your health gets worse. You can barely get out of bed each day. You want so badly to stay married but you’re beyond unhappy. Chronic pain creeps in. You start to believe you're broken and incapable of being happy in a long-term committed relationship.
I get it. That was me seven years ago.
As a sensitive introvert and natural caretaker, it became excruciating to be married to a full-on extrovert who, for all his wonderful qualities, needed a ton of attention. I had to carve out space just to breathe!
It was hard for me to set boundaries and even harder for me to keep them. So I kept putting up thicker and thicker walls so I could have space, which felt terrible to both of us.
Even with his heroic efforts to understand and give me what I needed, I didn't have the language or clarity to explain what I needed in a way that worked. I’d just get irritated and push him away.
One day, while doing something by myself that I loved, I discovered that I had plenty of energy. I realized I wasn't broken and incapable of a relationship, I was just deeply unhappy in this one. I needed to give myself permission to consider what might make me happy, even if it meant ending the current structure of our relationship.
In the end, I gave myself permission to live by ending the marriage into which I could no longer twist myself to fit.
Six years ago we got divorced and we've both found love again with wonderful partners. My ex-husband has remarried and now has two beautiful children, which he couldn’t have had with me. And I can honestly say that now I’m partnered with the love of my life.
Giving myself permission saved my life. And maybe even my ex-husband’s, too.
Your permission may look totally different than mine.
There's no one-size-fits-all when it comes to permission. Maybe it's permission to leave an unsalvageable marriage, or maybe it's permission to give it another go by taking down walls and rebuilding it from scratch. Maybe it's permission to start dating again after a long hiatus, or permission to stop trying to meet anyone and be alone for a while. Only you know what permission you need.
After my divorce, I dove deep into inner work to get clear about who I am. Over the next four years, I learned what works for me in relationships and finally got right with myself. I opened up my sensuality and learned what really turns me on. I learned how to ask for what I want and say no to what I don’t want. Because I now have good boundaries, I no longer need to put up walls that don’t feel good. I also no longer suffer from chronic pain.
The fulfilling life I have today has everything to do with the work I did to shed the identities I inherited from my multiple cultures, family, education, and religion. I gave myself permission to let go of the “wife” box that I almost killed myself trying to squeeze into, in order to become the free, happily partnered woman that I am today. Because I listened to my desires and took action on them, I can finally say that I now belong to myself and love who I am.
I know you can do this, too.
Out of everything I've learned and done, I've created The Permission Program—From Pleaser to Pleasure. This program supports you in the permission to feel what you want and communicate it. Permission to free yourself from fears, doubts, and old conditioning. To set graceful boundaries instead of building walls. Permission to boost your openness to receive all the good in your life, and more!